Robber Sketch

(We find 3 men in a car discussing a robbery)

Ross:Alright, we're here.

Erik:So whats the plan?

Ross:We infiltrate the house

Erik:How so?

Ross:I will knock on the door and divert the ladies attention

Erik:So what do we do?

Ross:I want you to sneak through the back door.

Drew:What about me?

Ross:I want you to climb on the roof

Drew:But I don't want to climb on the roof

Ross:Why?

Drew:I'm afraid of heights

Ross:Fine, Erik you climb it

Erik:No

Ross:Why not?

Erik:How is he going to sneak in?

Drew:Whats that supposed to mean?

Erik:Look at you

(Drew looks down)

Drew:Whats the problem?

Erik:You take up the backseat practically. If you try to sneak in you'll cause an earthquake

Drew:No I won't I've done it before

Erik:When?

Drew:Um...when we robbed um...that one lady

Erik:The deaf one?

Drew:Yeah her

Erik:Your moron she was deaf, of course it worked.

Ross:Guys, relax...can't we just stick to my plan?

Drew:Why can't I be the smooth talker?

Erik:Theres nothing smooth about you except your stomach. Besides, I should be the smooth talker, no lady can resist this charm.

Ross:Look I am not climbing that?

Erik:And why's that?

Ross:Because...its my plan ok! I drove you guys here and I will be the reason that we get rich.

Drew:But its my car

Erik:Its my gas money

Ross:It was my idea!

Erik:I say we take a vote. Who here thinks Ross should climb it?

(Erik and Drew raise their hands)

Erik:Its settled, your climbing.

Ross:That does it, I'm turning this car around

Drew:Ross, don't be like David.

Ross:Are you implying I'm crazy?

Erik:You came up with the idea of Drew climbing a roof.

Ross:Ok thats just one bad idea.

Drew:You also said I could sneak my way through the house

Ross:You agreed to that!

Erik:But it was your idea.

Ross:You know what? Scrap that idea. Heres what we're going to do. No sneaking in...no roof climbing. We're going to salesmen.

Drew:What are we selling?

Ross:I don't know, I'll think of something. But anyhow, what we do is we lure her to the car, knock her unconscious, then we rob the place.

Erik:Thats fine and all, but she'll remember our faces.

Ross:Not precisely, theres a certain method where if you knock someone unconscious they forget what they were doing prior to that. She'll think its all a dream and she won't memorize our faces.

Drew:What if you don't do it right and she does?

Ross:Well, we can come up with code names

Erik:Code names?

Ross:Yes, we don't use our real names we use code names. I will be Chester, Erik is Lester, and Drew you're Hester.

Drew:But I don't want to be Hester.

Ross:Why not?

Drew:Its a girls name

Erik:So is Drew

Drew:How so?

Erik:Drew Barrymore is a girl

Drew:That has yet to be proven

Ross:*sigh* Can you come up with anything better?

Drew:How bout Fester?

Ross:Fester is not a real name

Drew:Yes it is, the Addams Family, I can be your Uncle Fester.

Ross:Drew, no one in this modern world is named Fester.

Drew:Thats by choice.

Ross:Its not believable we're going with Hester.

Erik:He can be a female

Drew:But I don't want to be a girl!

Ross:He's right, you have the hair style and you have the build.

Erik:You'd make an ugly one though

Drew:You watch your mouth

Erik:Why you never seem to watch yours

Ross:Guys, can we just stop arguing?

Erik:He's right, we need to get this done.

Drew:Yeah

Ross:No more words out of either of you. Drew, you will be a girl, its settled.

Drew:I still don't like it

Ross:You will when we're rich.

Drew:So who exactly am I?

Ross:You can be Erik's mother

Erik:You calling my mom ugly?

Drew:You calling me ugly?

Ross:No he's just playing your mother

Erik:He looks nothing like her

Ross:Not your mother, Lester's mother

Erik:Whose Lester?

Ross:Your Lester

Erik:Oh, who is he?

Ross:Hester, have you been paying attention?

Erik:I always do

Ross:Okay you're mother and son

Drew:I don't like that

Ross(annoyed):Why?

Drew:He's older than I am

Ross:Does that matter?

Drew:Yes, he looks older.

Ross:Fine, you're his sister

Erik:Are you calling my sister ugly?

Ross:No, again, he's playing your sister

Erik(to Drew):Why are you playing with my sister?

Drew:Who doesn't?

Erik:Why I oughta!

(He goes to attack Drew but Ross holds him back.)

Ross:Look, he's just playing Hester who is Lester's sister. We're wasting time. Lets just do this?

Drew:I have a suggestion

Ross:What?

Drew:I can't be his sister

Ross:Why not?

Drew:Its not appealing

Ross:What do you mean?

Drew:When you're selling something you're trying to appeal

Ross:Whats wrong with a brother and sister group selling something, its cute

Drew:If we were 10, but in our 20's thats kinda weird.

Ross:Fine, you're not his sister...you're his girlfriend

Erik:No, absolutely not

Drew:I agree

Ross:Look a couple is more appealing, so therefore it will work. She'll find it adorable and she'll fall right into trap.

Erik:I'm not going to be his boyfriend

Ross:You won't be, Lester will be

Drew:I don't want to date Lester

Ross:Your not, you're dating "Lester"

Drew:But I don't want to date him.

Ross:You're not dating Lester! You're dating whose pretending to be Lester!

Drew:Why would he do that?

Ross:Because that is his codename

Drew:What's Lester's codename?

Ross:He's not here!

Drew:Why is Lester not here?

Erik:Yeah, why isn't he?

Ross:Why does this matter? We're just trying to rob this place.

Drew:Why are we robbing this place?

Ross:I don't know, I just came here to rob this place and run. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

Erik:Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Ross:Shut up! Can we just get through with this?

Erik:I'm not going to be Drew's boyfriend and thats final.

Ross:Fine! You won't be, He'll be my girlfriend and thats final!

Drew:But...

Ross:SHUT UP DREW!

Drew(defeated and scared):...ok

Ross:Good, I'm going to be Erik's brother, and you, Drew are my girlfriend.

Erik:What's our company called?

Ross:Um...how about Bester's

Drew:Is that even a word?

Ross:It is now

Erik:But what are we selling?

Ross:Thats the problem hmm...

(There is a pause as all three sniff the air)

Ross:What is that funky smell?

Erik:I'm not sure

(They turn to look at Drew. Drew stares back, smiles and points a finger up, he then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a peach)

Drew:It was my lunch 2 weeks ago

Erik:Throw it out!

Drew:But thats the waste of a good peach

Ross:Its already wasted!

Drew:Fine

(He throws it out the car window)

Erik:Pick that up

Drew:Why should I?

Erik:You're polluting

Drew:How is that polluting?

Ross:Guys, can we just do this?

Drew:Can I get something from the trunk first?

Ross:Sure

(He goes into the trunk and comes back with another peach)

Ross:Did you just get that out of the trunk?

Drew:Yeah, why?

Ross:How many do you got back there?

Drew:I bought 5 pounds worth in a crate.

Ross:Thats it! We'll be peach salesmen!

Erik:Brilliant! We'll lure her here and knock her unconscious. Nobody can resist a peach!

Ross:Lets do it!

(Later on we find them at the front door)

Ross:Everybody remember their names?

(Erik and Drew nod their heads)

Ross:Good lets get this done

(He rings the bell and a girl answers)

Girl:Yes?

Ross:Good evening ma'am I am Hester Pester and this is my girlfriend Chester Pester and my brother Lester Pester and we represent Bester's Peaches. We're not the best, we're the bester if not then my name isn't Lester.

Girl:I thought your name was Hester?

Ross:No I said Chester

Girl:I thought she was Chester?

Drew(messing up female voice):No I'm Fester

Erik:You idiot, you're Hester and I'm Chester

Girl:But he said he was Chester and so was she?

Erik:He lied

Ross:Why would I lie?

Erik:Why wouldn't you?

Drew:Boys please stop you're upsett(slipping into masculine)ing me!

Girl:Is that facial hair on her?

Ross:You know what? Forget this

(He shoves her against a wall)

Ross:Listen here, my friends are going to rob you and if you tell the cops we will do something very bad.

Drew:Now Ross thats no way to treat a lady.

Ross:Shut up Drew!

Erik:He's got a point Ross

Ross:Erik! I'm warning you(turning to girl). Now listen, you will let us rob this place or we'll rob you of your life. Make your pick

(We cut til later where we see the guys putting a bunch of stuff in the car)

Drew:You see Ross, it worked out.

Ross:Shut up Drew

Erik:Is that the valuables?

Ross:Yup, money too.

Erik:Lets get ready to go then

(Erik gets back in the passenger side and Drew in the back. Ross gets in the driver's side and starts the car...which doesn't start)

Erik:Whats the problem?

Ross:I think the batteries dead

Drew:Did you turn the car off when we parked?

Ross...I think I waited til after.

Drew:Lets not panic, maybe she'll jump start our car

Erik:Theres no car here besides ours.

Ross:Look, we can just push the car to the nearest gas station. Thats only about a few miles.

Drew:Can this day get any worse?

(A police siren is heard)

Ross:Alright new plan you see...

The End

Blue Avenger in..."Deus Ex Machina"

Prelude:
(We are shown a newscast)

News Anchor:Hello and welcome to B.S. News. This is Sandra Zullivan. Our lead story tonight is a remarkable one. Mass murderer/Hitman Zack Skier was captured today by none other than the Blue Avenger. Skier was on the list for Top 10 Most Wanted criminals by the FBI for his work he did as an assassin for the Corelli Crime Family. He has taken the lives of many before he met his fate when he was taken down the the savior of Capital City, the Blue Avenger. In other news…

(We fade out sound wise and see a hand with a remote in it turning the TV off)

Mysterious Hand:Hmm…

(Titles)

Scene 1:
(We find Timmy Grey sitting at a desk typing. Liz Orange walks over)

Timmy:Oh hey Liz, back from Forks?

Liz:Yep, the story is being printed in tomorrow’s edition.

Timmy:That’s good, hey, have you seen Joe?

Liz:No I haven’t, why?

Timmy:He claims that he got some pictures from the Blue Avenger capturing Skier.

Liz:He’s always covering him, they should’ve sent him to Forks instead.

(Out of nowhere, John White enters)

John(angry):He’ll be finding himself in the unemployment line soon if he doesn’t get his act together. He’s been late for the last time.

Timmy:This is his only time that I recall.

John:Once is enough. Keep defending him and you’ll find yourself with him in line.

Timmy:But I never defend him.

John:Like I said, once is enough.

(Bassford enters)

Bassford (dead tired):Sorry I’m late, Mr. White.

John:Sorry isn’t good enough, you’re fired!

Bassford:But sir, I even said I would be late!

John:For what reason?

Bassford:To finish developing the pictures!

John:Hmm…you’re hired…

Bassford (relieved):Shoo….

John (laughing):I’m kidding; you’re fired!

Liz:Now Mr. White this is…

John:Mutiny! You’re fired!

Timmy:Sir, in all seriousness you're being a...

John:Traitor! You’re fired!

(His cell phone rings)

John:Hello? Yes? You’re mother is coming over? You’re fired! (He shuts his phone, ending the call.) Oops I mean…(opening up the phone and putting the phone up to his ear) Honey? Blast it! (He sighs). Alright all 3 of you are hired but are on special assignment. Timmy, I want you to write a romantic letter to my wife in my name.

Timmy:Yes sir.

John:Liz, you know what kind of flowers girls like, go buy me some.

Liz:Alright.

John:Bassford!

Bassford:Yes?

John:You seem to eat a lot, help me go pick out a cake for my wife. You should know whats best.

Bassford (slightly offended):Yes sir.

John:Now go do what I say, or you’re all fired!

(They all get to work as Bassford exits with John)

End Scene 1

Scene 2

(We see a car pulling to a stop sign. We find John and Bassford sitting in a car)

Bassford:So...how about the stock market?

John (giving him a grim look):Don’t even mention it…

Bassford:Sorry…

(John looks both ways and tries to turn but the car suddenly shuts down)

Bassford:Problem?

John:Yeah, the darn thing won’t go.

Bassford:It might be the engine, I’ll go check it out.

(Bassford goes to check the engine. After a few seconds he returns to the car and sits in the passenger seat)

Bassford:Not a…

(He looks over to see that White has vanished but the seatbelt is still attached)

Bassford(confused):…problem.

End Scene 2

Scene 3

(We find John White tied up on the ground. He awakens and looks up to see a dark shadow figure standing over him)

White:Who are you? What do you want?

Deus Ex Machina:My name is Deus Ex Machina and I want you John White.

White:Ma’am plenty of women want me but at the moment I have only one at home and if she found out your scheme then you’d be in for a world of pain.

Deus Ex Machina:Oh, Mr. White the pain she may infect on me is nothing near the pain you cause to others and myself.

White:Look lady, I know that I can be a heart breaker, but you have to get over yourself and just why do they call you Deux Ex Machina?

(He is attacked by The Blue Avenger and he screams in pain as The Blue Avenger punches and kicks him.)

End Scene 3

Scene 4

(We find Timmy Grey and Liz Orange back at the office.)

Timmy:Say Liz, is this spelled right?

Liz:I believe its e y e s not I apostrophe s.

Timmy (realizing the error of his ways):Oh I see

(He goes to erase it and Bassford runs in out of breath)

Liz:Woah, what's up with you?

Bassford (out of breath):Have you seen Mr. White?

Liz:No, he was with you.

Bassford:He vanished.

Timmy:How did he vanish?

Bassford:I don’t know, one minute he was there and next he was gone.

Liz:That is weird.

Timmy:Maybe he just had to go to the bathroom?

Bassford:Maybe.

Liz:Oh well lets just watch TV.

(Bassford sits down and begins watching with them. Sounds of random whatever is played. Suddenly it is cut off and we are shown a shot of the TV. On it we see Deus Ex Machina.)

Deus Ex Machina:We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very important announcement from station owner John White.

(We show a shot of White on the ground tied up over an open fire like a hog being roasted.)

White:For the love of god, get me out of here!

(We cut back to Deus Ex Machina)

Deus Ex Machina:You heard the man, this is a message to anyone working for the J.W. Post or the J.W. Media Group, I am demanding a pay of 1 billion dollars for White’s return. If this is not granted, then further damage will be caused to anyone who supports him. More damage than he has done to others and myself. You have til midnight. Any words, Mr. White?

(We go back to White)

White:Its not worth it, trust me! Jane, if you hear this you’re hired and I love you. If anyone pays this terrorist, then you’re fired! Oh, and Bassford’s fired too.

(We go back to Liz, Timmy, and Joe looking uninterested)

Timmy:Hmm…say Liz, is this spelled right?

Liz:I think so.

Bassford:Guys, can’t you see Mr. White needs our help!

Liz (not paying attention):I think you missed a comma there

Bassford: Fine, I guess I'll call.

Liz:I think that’s a fragment.

(Bassford shruggs his shoulders and exits)

End Scene 4

Scene 5

(We find Bassford in his home on a computer)

Bassford (in head):White couldn’t have gone too far. The good news is he had his cell phone with him. If I enter the number into the GPS Tracker I can find him. Searching, searching, bingo! Washington Forest, well its superhero time.

(We cut to The Blue Avenger entering the forest. He enters and walks around. Behind him we see Deus Ex Machina. He turns around but she has vanished. She keeps appearing behind him but as he turns, she vanishes. This happens a few times.)

Bassford:Alright mystery psychotic lady, where is John White?

(She appears behind him)

Deus Ex Machina:It’s the Blue Avenger. Sorry to meet like this they call me Deus Ex Machina.

Blue Avenger (turning around):Why do they call you that?

(He gets hit in the back of the head by an unknown assailant knocking him down and unconscious.)

End Scene 5

Scene 6

(We find The Blue Avenger tied up with John White)

Blue Avenger:Woah, what happened?

John:I ask the same to you, who is that psycho you’re with?

Bassford:I’m with? I’m here to save you.

John:You have a good way of showing it.

(Deus Ex Machina enters)

Deus Ex Machina:Boys boys, relax you’ll work yourself up.

Blue Avenger:Ok, how exactly did I get knocked out?

(Out of nowhere The Green Jacket enters)

Green Jacket:Zhat would be from me. (evil laugh)

Blue Avenger (shocked):It can’t be, you you you you’re dead. I remember, the car hit you.

Deus Ex Machina:You’re correct, the Green Jacket is dead. What I have here is merely a recreation. You see I have a special power. I can create anyone and anything in my head to be on this world. In a few hours it’ll be irrelevant, you both will be gone. Its sad to see you go Blue Avenger. I used to think you were a great guy, but seeing you help scum like John White makes me want to see you suffer the same fate he will.

Bassford:What exactly are you fighting for anyways?

Deus Ex Machina:He should know.

(Bassford looks at White)

John:To be honest, I don’t know what I did.

Deus Ex Machina:Mr. White and you, Blue Avenger are about to feel a little green…Good bye boys.

(She turns to walk away)

The Green Jacket:I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time (evil laugh). Any last words Blue Avenger and John White?

Blue Avenger:Better make this quick.

Green Jacket:Oh I will.(evil laugh)

(He aims and fires a laser at John White but Bassford turns his mask toward the beam reflecting it off the mask, past The Green Jacket and hitting Deus Ex Machina turning her into a watermelon. Suddenly, the ropes disappear and The Green Jacket, completely dumbfounded turns from where she was toward the Blue Avenger who is standing up again.)

Bassford:Ah, I told you once but you seem to have forgotten, so I’ll tell you again…I fight for truth(head butt), justice(punches him in the stomach), and all that is blue(he pushes him over with his finger and the Green Jacket disappears.)

(John White walks up to him)

John:This doesn’t change anything. But I am a businessman so what do you take for a request.

Blue Avenger:That you give Joe E. Bassford his job back.

John:Fine the bum is hired.

Bassford:Good, now I am off for there are more people to save. Goodbye, Mr. White!

(He runs off. John gets on his cellphone)

John:Hello, yeah Timmy, tomorrow’s headline “Blue Avenger abuses Woman”. Yeah, alright bye. Now how do I get out of here? (sigh)

End Scene 6

Scene 7

(It is the next day, we find Liz, Timmy, John, and Joe watching TV at the office)

News Anchor:On the lighter side of things in the world, J.W. Media Group and J.W. Post owner John White managed to pull out a miraculous escape yesterday when in a sudden twist of deus ex machina, the evil villainess magically disappeared. We caught up with White.

White:It was amazing, she had me down and out but the Blue Avenger showed up and he made things worse. He actually struck her, the sick cruel man, he then said, "I came to watch you die!" but I said, "I don’t die, I just multiply." Suddenly, I got the strength and broke the ropes, entered the pit of danger and told the Blue Avenger, “Feeling blue, cause I’m red hot baby!” then he ran off scared like the coward he is. Yeah that’s all true.

Timmy:Gee Mr. White, it went down exactly like that?

John:Exactly, the Blue Avenger is a coward and a menace and he showed his true color that day and that was yellow.

(He stands in front of everyone in a “powerful” stance with his arms folded while everyone else rolls there eyes.)

John:Alright, say anyone have some extra space or something at their place?

Timmy:I do, why?

John:Well my mother-in-law is over tonight and that’s never fun.

Timmy:Alright, come with me.

(Timmy and John exit)

Bassford:Wow, Mr. White sure is brave.

Liz:Please, you actually bought that? I’ve been covering the Blue Avenger, he would never back down from anyone especially Mr. White. Just don’t tell Mr. White I said that. Alright I’m going home, goodnight Joe.

Bassford:Goodnight Liz

(She leaves)

Bassford (in head):Well some things have gone right, I guess. Deus Ex Machina is gone, the Green Jacket isn’t real and Skier is behind bars.

(He stands with a satisfied look on his face)

News Anchor:We have late breaking news. Authorities have confirmed that recently arrested mass murderer/hitman Zack Skier has escaped from prison.

(Bassford gets a long face)

Bassford:This job doesn’t pay enough

End Scene 7

Epilogue:

(We find Zack Skier entering the room. From his side a light is flashed on him blinding him and setting him back a few steps.)

Mr. Grun:Ah Mr. Skier, it’s a pleasure to see you.

Skier:Alright, who are you and what do you want from me?

Mr. Grun:I want you to take out the blue man himself.

Skier (smiling):No problem, you want it messy or a nice cleaning?

Mr. Grun:Any way works with me.

Skier:How much money we talkin here?

Mr. Grun:Oh Mr. Skier, where we're going with this, you won't need money.

Skier:What's that supposed to mean?

(He is hit in the back in the head by Torgo, knocking him unconscious.)

Torgo:I am Torgo, I take care of the place while the master is away...

The End