Robber Sketch

(We find 3 men in a car discussing a robbery)

Ross:Alright, we're here.

Erik:So whats the plan?

Ross:We infiltrate the house

Erik:How so?

Ross:I will knock on the door and divert the ladies attention

Erik:So what do we do?

Ross:I want you to sneak through the back door.

Drew:What about me?

Ross:I want you to climb on the roof

Drew:But I don't want to climb on the roof

Ross:Why?

Drew:I'm afraid of heights

Ross:Fine, Erik you climb it

Erik:No

Ross:Why not?

Erik:How is he going to sneak in?

Drew:Whats that supposed to mean?

Erik:Look at you

(Drew looks down)

Drew:Whats the problem?

Erik:You take up the backseat practically. If you try to sneak in you'll cause an earthquake

Drew:No I won't I've done it before

Erik:When?

Drew:Um...when we robbed um...that one lady

Erik:The deaf one?

Drew:Yeah her

Erik:Your moron she was deaf, of course it worked.

Ross:Guys, relax...can't we just stick to my plan?

Drew:Why can't I be the smooth talker?

Erik:Theres nothing smooth about you except your stomach. Besides, I should be the smooth talker, no lady can resist this charm.

Ross:Look I am not climbing that?

Erik:And why's that?

Ross:Because...its my plan ok! I drove you guys here and I will be the reason that we get rich.

Drew:But its my car

Erik:Its my gas money

Ross:It was my idea!

Erik:I say we take a vote. Who here thinks Ross should climb it?

(Erik and Drew raise their hands)

Erik:Its settled, your climbing.

Ross:That does it, I'm turning this car around

Drew:Ross, don't be like David.

Ross:Are you implying I'm crazy?

Erik:You came up with the idea of Drew climbing a roof.

Ross:Ok thats just one bad idea.

Drew:You also said I could sneak my way through the house

Ross:You agreed to that!

Erik:But it was your idea.

Ross:You know what? Scrap that idea. Heres what we're going to do. No sneaking in...no roof climbing. We're going to salesmen.

Drew:What are we selling?

Ross:I don't know, I'll think of something. But anyhow, what we do is we lure her to the car, knock her unconscious, then we rob the place.

Erik:Thats fine and all, but she'll remember our faces.

Ross:Not precisely, theres a certain method where if you knock someone unconscious they forget what they were doing prior to that. She'll think its all a dream and she won't memorize our faces.

Drew:What if you don't do it right and she does?

Ross:Well, we can come up with code names

Erik:Code names?

Ross:Yes, we don't use our real names we use code names. I will be Chester, Erik is Lester, and Drew you're Hester.

Drew:But I don't want to be Hester.

Ross:Why not?

Drew:Its a girls name

Erik:So is Drew

Drew:How so?

Erik:Drew Barrymore is a girl

Drew:That has yet to be proven

Ross:*sigh* Can you come up with anything better?

Drew:How bout Fester?

Ross:Fester is not a real name

Drew:Yes it is, the Addams Family, I can be your Uncle Fester.

Ross:Drew, no one in this modern world is named Fester.

Drew:Thats by choice.

Ross:Its not believable we're going with Hester.

Erik:He can be a female

Drew:But I don't want to be a girl!

Ross:He's right, you have the hair style and you have the build.

Erik:You'd make an ugly one though

Drew:You watch your mouth

Erik:Why you never seem to watch yours

Ross:Guys, can we just stop arguing?

Erik:He's right, we need to get this done.

Drew:Yeah

Ross:No more words out of either of you. Drew, you will be a girl, its settled.

Drew:I still don't like it

Ross:You will when we're rich.

Drew:So who exactly am I?

Ross:You can be Erik's mother

Erik:You calling my mom ugly?

Drew:You calling me ugly?

Ross:No he's just playing your mother

Erik:He looks nothing like her

Ross:Not your mother, Lester's mother

Erik:Whose Lester?

Ross:Your Lester

Erik:Oh, who is he?

Ross:Hester, have you been paying attention?

Erik:I always do

Ross:Okay you're mother and son

Drew:I don't like that

Ross(annoyed):Why?

Drew:He's older than I am

Ross:Does that matter?

Drew:Yes, he looks older.

Ross:Fine, you're his sister

Erik:Are you calling my sister ugly?

Ross:No, again, he's playing your sister

Erik(to Drew):Why are you playing with my sister?

Drew:Who doesn't?

Erik:Why I oughta!

(He goes to attack Drew but Ross holds him back.)

Ross:Look, he's just playing Hester who is Lester's sister. We're wasting time. Lets just do this?

Drew:I have a suggestion

Ross:What?

Drew:I can't be his sister

Ross:Why not?

Drew:Its not appealing

Ross:What do you mean?

Drew:When you're selling something you're trying to appeal

Ross:Whats wrong with a brother and sister group selling something, its cute

Drew:If we were 10, but in our 20's thats kinda weird.

Ross:Fine, you're not his sister...you're his girlfriend

Erik:No, absolutely not

Drew:I agree

Ross:Look a couple is more appealing, so therefore it will work. She'll find it adorable and she'll fall right into trap.

Erik:I'm not going to be his boyfriend

Ross:You won't be, Lester will be

Drew:I don't want to date Lester

Ross:Your not, you're dating "Lester"

Drew:But I don't want to date him.

Ross:You're not dating Lester! You're dating whose pretending to be Lester!

Drew:Why would he do that?

Ross:Because that is his codename

Drew:What's Lester's codename?

Ross:He's not here!

Drew:Why is Lester not here?

Erik:Yeah, why isn't he?

Ross:Why does this matter? We're just trying to rob this place.

Drew:Why are we robbing this place?

Ross:I don't know, I just came here to rob this place and run. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

Erik:Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Ross:Shut up! Can we just get through with this?

Erik:I'm not going to be Drew's boyfriend and thats final.

Ross:Fine! You won't be, He'll be my girlfriend and thats final!

Drew:But...

Ross:SHUT UP DREW!

Drew(defeated and scared):...ok

Ross:Good, I'm going to be Erik's brother, and you, Drew are my girlfriend.

Erik:What's our company called?

Ross:Um...how about Bester's

Drew:Is that even a word?

Ross:It is now

Erik:But what are we selling?

Ross:Thats the problem hmm...

(There is a pause as all three sniff the air)

Ross:What is that funky smell?

Erik:I'm not sure

(They turn to look at Drew. Drew stares back, smiles and points a finger up, he then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a peach)

Drew:It was my lunch 2 weeks ago

Erik:Throw it out!

Drew:But thats the waste of a good peach

Ross:Its already wasted!

Drew:Fine

(He throws it out the car window)

Erik:Pick that up

Drew:Why should I?

Erik:You're polluting

Drew:How is that polluting?

Ross:Guys, can we just do this?

Drew:Can I get something from the trunk first?

Ross:Sure

(He goes into the trunk and comes back with another peach)

Ross:Did you just get that out of the trunk?

Drew:Yeah, why?

Ross:How many do you got back there?

Drew:I bought 5 pounds worth in a crate.

Ross:Thats it! We'll be peach salesmen!

Erik:Brilliant! We'll lure her here and knock her unconscious. Nobody can resist a peach!

Ross:Lets do it!

(Later on we find them at the front door)

Ross:Everybody remember their names?

(Erik and Drew nod their heads)

Ross:Good lets get this done

(He rings the bell and a girl answers)

Girl:Yes?

Ross:Good evening ma'am I am Hester Pester and this is my girlfriend Chester Pester and my brother Lester Pester and we represent Bester's Peaches. We're not the best, we're the bester if not then my name isn't Lester.

Girl:I thought your name was Hester?

Ross:No I said Chester

Girl:I thought she was Chester?

Drew(messing up female voice):No I'm Fester

Erik:You idiot, you're Hester and I'm Chester

Girl:But he said he was Chester and so was she?

Erik:He lied

Ross:Why would I lie?

Erik:Why wouldn't you?

Drew:Boys please stop you're upsett(slipping into masculine)ing me!

Girl:Is that facial hair on her?

Ross:You know what? Forget this

(He shoves her against a wall)

Ross:Listen here, my friends are going to rob you and if you tell the cops we will do something very bad.

Drew:Now Ross thats no way to treat a lady.

Ross:Shut up Drew!

Erik:He's got a point Ross

Ross:Erik! I'm warning you(turning to girl). Now listen, you will let us rob this place or we'll rob you of your life. Make your pick

(We cut til later where we see the guys putting a bunch of stuff in the car)

Drew:You see Ross, it worked out.

Ross:Shut up Drew

Erik:Is that the valuables?

Ross:Yup, money too.

Erik:Lets get ready to go then

(Erik gets back in the passenger side and Drew in the back. Ross gets in the driver's side and starts the car...which doesn't start)

Erik:Whats the problem?

Ross:I think the batteries dead

Drew:Did you turn the car off when we parked?

Ross...I think I waited til after.

Drew:Lets not panic, maybe she'll jump start our car

Erik:Theres no car here besides ours.

Ross:Look, we can just push the car to the nearest gas station. Thats only about a few miles.

Drew:Can this day get any worse?

(A police siren is heard)

Ross:Alright new plan you see...

The End